Thursday, 4 May 2017

Experience

I think because of this depression, I tend to write a lot these past weeks because by only write, I can actually say everything out loud.
" People write because no one listen"
So the thing is I talked about my current issue with a friend. A dear friend. I took the opportunity to asked his opinion as a guy whom I think comfortable to be friend with me.

Q: What do you think of me, honestly?
A: You are an independent. So independent, guys don't feel like taking care of you because you can take care of yourself.

*confused

Isn't being independent is a charm? I think it is charming for a girl who can take care of herself real well and it is attractive. I don't need a guy to help me with everything if I can do it myself.

Q: So is being independent bad?
A: Guys love showing their masculine side and with you they just can't. They feel small around you. You are too strong in their eyes. Dominant.

Q: Then?
A: You are ambitious, Yasmin and it scares them away. You always want to have your opinions be heard too in every conversation. I mean, you have your own thoughts on everything. Sometimes, guys just want you to follow their lead. You have modern-city-like mentality and some of these guys just don't like that. You are open-minded. You don't care too much. You don't mind if a guy likes to play computer games late at night. Somehow it's better for the guy to tell white lies but with you, you want clarity, transparent, honesty and guy just not that.

Q: Is that bad?
A: It is depends. The old school mentality person cannot handle your personality. You are not normal to them. You are plain weird. You are too western.

Q: But my friend is awesome and she has a boyfriend. I mean people actually like her, adore her. Comfortable with her. And I think, she just like me. I mean I am similar to her. Is there something wrong with me?
A: No. You just not find a guy whom likes you they way you are. She might probably find that person. A person who loves her dearly, but you are not yet.

Q: I love being pampered by someone I love. I tried play dumb in stuff like cars or like men-stuff. I am not act all mighty and strong but they still go away. Why?
A: Because somehow it does not reflect the real you and you lost your charm there. Maybe they sense that. They sense that you are lying.

*almost giving up

L: Yasmin, you are still young. Why so stress on this matter? Enjoy your life.
Y: Because there are only two options; to marry and not to marry. I decided to get married and I want to when I am 25, and get kids before 28. But 25-years-old-Yasmin is next year! And I still fail in love. *pfftt

L: I like being your friend. You are not typical. You speaks your mind. As a friend, I like you. *Friendzoned But I too don't really fancy a girl with strong personality. It takes greater strength to be with you.
Y: Even you? I understand that. I am just too difficult. I should just stick to the decision of not to get married and I won't feeling this hopeless.

. . .

Is people feel intimidated when they know the real me? I didn't give any harm to people. I just being me. Be a miss independent like Ne-yo said. Be a one-in-a-million girl but still got fool by people. If being honest and transparent in relationship (any kind of relationship) is weird and I guess I just not for this generation. The generation where lies and secrecy give thrilling sense and mystery is charming. I love being mysterious and it thrills me too but certainty gives assurance. And assurance strengthen the bond. I know this does not apply to everyone but I am just unlucky to go through this. So much to learn about life and I wish I can skip this and just disappear. Like bubble foam in the sea. Forgotten by people and everything. No strings attached. Just gone.




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