Thursday, 31 October 2013

The Truth

Frustrated with myself. I want do a thing, thing that I confident enough to do. But everything says no. Not that, yet that too. I don't know anymore. I want to get a job, even if it is not for placement, but can I do it? That feeling of unsure, insecure giving me headache. I don't have anyone to talk to and I guess I get jealous of others who simply have friends that they can talk to. which house feels like home. Surely, going back to Malaysia is a must, I do get homesick but have I change a bit from the day they sent me away? Big no on that. Getting worse what is confirmed. I change this way because of the surrounding and myself. Because I hate the atmosphere. A two weeks of winter trip was like a healing camp for me. Energised, feeling more optimistic and I can breathe smoothly at least. Till when i need to lean to someone. I find people achieve their goals because they are brave, have guts to move step by step. I didn't have courage to even move from my position. people keep talking, keep moving, keep improving and they pass me like wind, sometimes. And I keep staring at them, envious and wish I can move forward too. Should I consult my mom? No, she got lots of thing to worry back at home. Dad? Pile of problems from his workplace are endless. Along? Seems like he got his own problem which myself didn't understand. Adek and eizzat can make me smile but it is temporary. I want to breathe lightly, i feel choke on this situation. I can't say anything. A word is poison. Poison kills. I have lots to do in my life and happiness is always there from start. Those two friends that always try their best to comfort me, I know they get tired of listening to my stories. Because I keep telling them. I don't know what to tell people nowadays as I don't have any new story to tell. Everything is about past. I can't tell them what I felt cause along told me don't speak about your impression for your first conversation with stranger. Well everyone is stranger to me over here. No one I can feel safe with. Literally. I keep doing on my things until i get tired with myself. it is not sometimes, I always feel i'm not belong to these people. when I tried to be the old me, people get judgemental. Surely I want going back to feel relieved but how can I present myself like this to my parents. After about a year they sent me, nothing they can be proud of. Nothing. I'm still the old me. I want bring them over here, and share what I have seen with my eyes. What I feel every single day. Day by day, I keep asking myself is this thing is worth doing? Is it going to make my family happy too? Are they? And then people will tell me about the ayat from Quran. It isn't I don't want to read or hear it. Even I can't do it myself. I'm not dare to read as I know I do wrong. Now, a family is what I need. My Family. Trully, I dont have anyone here. All the happiness I think I felt before, is a fake. Somehow, I feel something is missing. Something is not right. I keep watching Korean Dramas and listening to Korean songs as they feel more family than others. I find mysellf in familiar atmosphere. And I keep want to go back Malaysia. But not now. Not before I can bring something for them. Literally, KDrama and KPop songs do give me strength. I acknowledge it is from Him. But why can some people understand that people have their own way of adjustment. Pushing doesn't work on me as u aren't my mom, my dad, my along or anyone that I respect. I won't open up to anybody. Everything that I told, that I said are just pieces of my feeling at that moment. The past that I can talk openly. I didn't expect people to understand me and be there for me as I am no one to them. But a piece of space where I can breath in my own house. He is testing me in every way He can. Because there is nothing He can't. I tried to be sincere with people but ending up being fake. And I hate that. So what's the point of continuing the act? Sitting in the bedroom for hours just to make the bedroom feels like home. Where I can be myself. Communicating with stranger is harder than anything. I do everything I can to make myself comfortable, go to gym regularly, watching KDrama as a hobby, listening to my ipod for entire day, walks around city alone, go window shopping by myself, and avoiding contact with people as much as I can. And other thing is, I don't understand our status. I feel I've been played by you. Is it true or not? You met them, looking serious, I know that there is plenty of time before we graduate but you don't seem serious. I have give up on unclear status of us. I don't know what to ask as it might sound wrong in words. I hate this. and i'm tired of playing along with your unintended game. I have asked you many time before, are you sure of this. and now it is nearly a year and you look weird. If it because you think sns is a place where you play around and I don't need to take seriously maybe at least you should be in my shoes. Try to look from my perspective where sns is the only place I can keep updating with your life. But if that is so hard to at least think about it, you can straight-forwardly tell me what is what. I guess you tried, and I'm trying. But for now I don't see any bright future from it. I really want to talk to you bout this but it doesn't seem important. Because I can't feel if you really serious about this matter. It's better I'm off from this than keep hurting myself saying you just playing around when I can't really confirm that. Everyone has their own problems, including us thus I will try my best to understand. Studying overseas, far from your past is good but it kills you in time. 

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