Friday, 30 June 2017

A Series of Books #Puisi Berantakan

"Satu saja : Jangan lecehkan tulisan orang lain. Siapa tau, mungkin itu satu-satunya nafas yang dia punya"

This is going to be my first time of reviewing a poems book. I am not really sure how to review this (either in Malay or in English) because this collection of poems are beautifully written in Malay  with combination of Indonesian. It talks about the heartbroken, longing, loneliness, hope and struggle.

To those whom loves poems as much as I do, and you know I turn to poems everytime I'm on my lowest point. When I get through heartbroken phase, depression phase, confusion phase. There is always a collection of poems that I read through and just read it again and again and try my very best to stay calm and be rational.

For this time around, again, I got into depression because of relationship issue and I met this book. I always believe books come to you and not the other way around. They want you to read them that's why you attracted to it. Your sub-conscious tells you to get the book. That's why I think bookworms become bookworms because of the law of attraction between human and the book. They pull you into the unending of feeling attracts to books.

Back to this book, let me share some of the poems that touch me more than others;

Hujan

Di bawah rintik hujan aku berdansa
Menari ikut nyanyian suara hujan
Merasakan tiap tetes hujan yang jatuh
Berputar putar ikut rentak bundaran sendiri,

Tangan dihanturkan biar berdepa
Dinginnya air hujanmeluluhkan bahang hati
Saat itu aku tidak lagi peduli mata mata lain
Biarkan mereka berkata kata
Biarkan aku menikmatinya sendiri.

Datang lagi hujan temani aku
Datang lagi hujan temui aku.

Karena dengan hadirnya rintik rintik itu
Aku menemukan kembali
Diriku
Senyumku
Tawaku.

This piece reminds me of him, that one special friend. He told me how stressed he was because of his nature of work, addition to the human problem he faced on that one time. Then he fell off from buildings, his sick body, all of these things that made him craves on rain. He said rain brings him happiness. He feels like a kid again. He forgot his worries. I imagined him smiling under the rain, jumping into puddles, enjoying every seconds of that moment and crying to let go of his problems. He is one tough friend. I wish you happiness.

Bayangan
h
Kau hadir lagi
Kau datang lagi
Kau kembali lagi
Kau muncul lagi

Bayangan hati
kau terindah

Bayangan mata
Kau anugerah.

You haunted me every night for a month, and when I saw you in my dreams I feel like everything else is a dream. I feel like you are more real than a real world itself. This feeling tortures me more than I can even imagine before. The thought of you coming back to me and everything goes back to normal kills me internally. It was the first time. Ever. Feeling so hopeless and restless. Unsure. But the same thought, the same shadow of you, keeps me moving on from that phase.

For the last piece,

Tentang Cinta, Hati dan Rasa

Tentang cinta, hati dan rasa
Cermin di depanku melihat aku dan bertanya
"apakah kau tau apa yang sedang kau bicarakan?"

Merenungnya kembali, aku jawab
"aku tau persis siapa seorang aku
Pada dasarnya tidak di posisi layak tuk
Berkata tentang cinta, hati dan rasa"

Cermin, aku cuma mau bereskpresi;
Selagi nafas itu masih ada
Selagi memori itu masih ada
Selagi kita masih ada - kita.

It was a short journey, of knowing another stranger to become a special one back to a stranger. It was a lengthy process of human interaction which I always avoid to face. I chose to exclude myself from another being just because I know I can fall into deepest pit of hell if it goes unwell. However, God ask me, us, to show some effort to get something and here I am, trying to be better.


p/s: to you my special friend, you have been sitting on a special place in my heart, I decided to make you my special one, but maybe, I think, maybe, there is just no "you and me" in the future so that's why this happen. To make me learn something from you but never to learn forever with you. Thank you. 

Monday, 12 June 2017

Ujian

perempuan datang atas nama cinta
bunda pergi karna cinta
digenangi air racun jingga adalah wajahmu
seperti bulan lelap tidur di hatimu
yang berdinding kelam dan kedinginan

ada apa dengannya
meninggalkan hati untuk dicaci
lalu sekali ini aku melihat karya surga
dari mata seorang hawa

ada apa dengan cinta
tapi aku pasti akan kembali
dalam satu purnama
untuk mempertanyakan kembali cintanya.
bukan untuknya, bukan untuk siapa
tapi untukku

karena aku ingin kamu,itu saja.
. . . 

Bagi aku, bulan ini memberi lebih ketenangan
memberi lebih perhatian
memberi lebih kasih sayang
dan setiap kasih sayang tuhan itu datangnya dalam pelbagai bentuk

kuatlah hati menerima kasih tuhan
dalam setiap satu itu Dia beri pengajaran
dan manusia itu termasuk dalam ujian kasih tuhan

A Series of Books #Perfect

Life is not meant to be flawless.

However, what do you think you will do when your perfect life starts to crumble? And it doesn't go your way? What will you do then? When everything arounds you seems to abandon you and the most you can do is nothing?

The continuation of Flawed by Cecelia Ahern which concludes the journey of Celestine North. A girl whom is having her perfect life, with her perfect family and perfect boyfriend but because of one act of kindness, changed her perfect life 360. Irony is it? How simple act of kindness can make your life worse than Celestine can imagine.

A country where not only govern by government but also an organisation that claim itself as a defence of the country from corrupted mind. It judges people and split them to perfect and flawed race. For every flawed person, there is minimum one brand on their body and the treatment of them is the second class treatment. Flawed cannot be in a community and there is always a whistleblower to take care of flawed person. There are a lot of laws and restriction even on food for flawed person as freedom is a luxury for them.

Celestine North, a girl whom act on logic, thinks that helping a sick flawed is not a crime but in her world people sees it as aiding a flawed and there is a law regarding that, which no people can aid a flawed unless another flawed but maximum only one person. More than two flawed people sitting/standing together will be penalised. Thus, she has been dragged to the  Guild court to be judge. There are five brands that can be branded to people but Celestine has more. She is special, perfect or flawed. She has been branded without anaesthetic and the brand is smeared on her pancreas. It is the most distracting brand and can bring the Guild down as the Guild has make a wrong step.

Perfect tell us on how 18-year-old girl survive in a world where there is no common sense but only perfect way of life. There is no consideration given certain situation even if it is includes the life and death. How people trying so hard to display a perfect life and ultimately deny all flaws whereas only the presence of flaw can make us differentiate it from perfect. Although that kind of life condition has improved the economy but the nature of human is they always wants more than whatever they already have. The journey to reveal what is wrong and what is right, what is common sense and consideration, kindness and flexibility and freedom. A tough decision and rough road for a girl to make things right again and to make people understand that maturity is not based on age but on the level of thinking by considering several factors. To have empathy but firm in decision making, and with logic.

It is a great book that gives you insight on what would the world be if this kind of things happen without actually happening. It dwells you on the present, the life we are living in and judge our own action. How actually we perceive this world, a world where some people think they will live eternally.

It teach me that every good action will brings you joy although there are a lot of sacrifice to be made, but it is a worthy one. Every good action. Every one of it. The truth may reveal a bit late but the truth always comes out. Nothing can beat truth and justice.

The few quotes I love from the book are:

" A weed is simply a plant that wants to grow where people want something else" - Grandad.

" … the moment we are beyond making wishes is either the moment we are truly happy, or the moment to give up" - Celestine

"  There are seven character flaws. Self-depreciation is belittling, and undervaluing oneself. Self-destruction is sabotaging, punishing and harming. Martyrdom is someone who denies responsibilities, blames others. Stubbornness is resisting change, even a positive one. Greed is selfishness, overindulgence, overconsumption. Arrogance is a superiority complex, a need to be seen as better than others because being ordinary is intolerable. Impatience is intolerance of obstruction and delay." - Judge Crevan.                                                                                         

May you find enjoyment and thrill while reading this book as that is how I feel. The feeling of suspense and fear are presented well also the bravery shown by the characters.

Turn your imagination to somewhat brings the inner child in you so that you may enjoy all the little things in this world.



Wednesday, 17 May 2017

A Series of Books #The Gift

Lets restart this label of me reviewing books that I enjoyed reading.

What would you wish for if your life demand you to be at two places at one time? And this happen for the rest of you life? What one thing that you wish can simplify your life and makes you be present everywhere where you needed?

Lou Suffern enjoying his life running almost everywhere, be present at every meeting either the starting of it or almost the end but he always there. Making sure people will see his effort and his determination towards his job. For him, wealth and money are the measure of success. The bigger your office is, the more success you are. The higher position you have, the more success you are. This battle makes his family go crazy, his wife, his siblings, his parents even his son. He will be the first one coming in to the office as he loves the silence that welcomes him in his office. No printer sound, the lemon fresh smell of clean floor, and no one but him. He feels like he is under control of everything.

One day, out of his character, he stop and notice a homeless man named Gabriel or Gabe for short. He isn't sure why Gabe attracts him to stop and talk to the homeless guy. It is just plain weird for him too. He feels like looking into a mirror. He sees himself in Gabe but with Martin boots and blanket on the ground. Lou greets him. Gabe starts talking like he knows Lou. Like he actually know Lou personally. Then what spark Lou interest on Gabe is when Gabe talk about shoes of people that walking around the building. Those shoes give great interest to Lou as he thinks he knows who the owner of the shoes. However Gabe tell a story that confuses Lou of why these pair of shoes are with each other. He gives Gabe a job and that is where everything starts.

Lou, a self-conscious man who puts his job as top priority  and now always looking over his shoulder to make in time for every work-related events, meeting or after party that can give him good portfolio and becomes more successful. He feels threatened with the presence of Gabe that he wonder how Gabe can travels through floors so fast and deliver his job so efficiently, Gabe can do another job because all of his work in the company is done. The big boss has notice Gabe working attitude and compliment him in front of Lou and that worries him more.

Gabe gives Lou a gift. Capsules that can help Lou wins against time. The battle that worries not only him but all his family and also Gabe. Lou mistakenly the capsules with drugs which is against his ethics and he definitely not going to success with the helps of drugs, in whatever form it is. However Gabe wants Lou to accept it and explains to Lou how the capsules work. It will split the consumer into two and that condition gives advantage to Lou to be present at two places in one time. Lou stuns and obviously interested in that though he still doubting Gabe.

Gabe explanation proven right when Lou take the pills and he sees himself and each of him attend different meeting to make a deal and he won both of it. He says that the pills really makes him under control of everything, spending time with his family and also be top of his work. That what is Gabe wants since beginning and Lou finally understand it. Though, the pills is no other that ordinary sleeping pills which Gabe tricks Lou to eat it and experiences the magic.

. . .

I think Gabe is not a human in this story. I think he is an angel that gives Lou more time to correct what's wrong and makes Lou's family remembers Lou as a family man as well as a successful businessman. A normal sleeping pill cannot divide human body into two unless with a bit help of magic, am I right?

The capsules/pills that Gabe gives to Lou is a gift from him to provides Lou with more time to spend with his family. More time for Lou to realise what is more important in his life. More time for Lou to decide which brings more happiness to him. Lou finally discover it although at the final night of his life, but he succeeds.

Time. A subjective matter that human, us, usually take advantage on. We think we have all the time in this world to do what we loves but we forget that time is not rewindable. Time cannot be bought by money. Time is a matter that cannot be retrieve back and we only have 24 hours, 3600 seconds to spend wisely. To be used in most efficient ways and not regret it for any reasons.

BUT

Human always make mistake. From mistake we learn. With any lesson learnt, we improve. Although we use our precious time to make mistake but that mistake improve us from zero to hero, hopefully.

For anything that happens, it happens for a reason.

Learn, Live, Love.

"One man's lesson is another man's tale, but often, a man's tale can be another's lesson."
"Appreciating your loved ones. Acknowledging all the special person in your life. Concentrating on what's important."

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Experience

I think because of this depression, I tend to write a lot these past weeks because by only write, I can actually say everything out loud.
" People write because no one listen"
So the thing is I talked about my current issue with a friend. A dear friend. I took the opportunity to asked his opinion as a guy whom I think comfortable to be friend with me.

Q: What do you think of me, honestly?
A: You are an independent. So independent, guys don't feel like taking care of you because you can take care of yourself.

*confused

Isn't being independent is a charm? I think it is charming for a girl who can take care of herself real well and it is attractive. I don't need a guy to help me with everything if I can do it myself.

Q: So is being independent bad?
A: Guys love showing their masculine side and with you they just can't. They feel small around you. You are too strong in their eyes. Dominant.

Q: Then?
A: You are ambitious, Yasmin and it scares them away. You always want to have your opinions be heard too in every conversation. I mean, you have your own thoughts on everything. Sometimes, guys just want you to follow their lead. You have modern-city-like mentality and some of these guys just don't like that. You are open-minded. You don't care too much. You don't mind if a guy likes to play computer games late at night. Somehow it's better for the guy to tell white lies but with you, you want clarity, transparent, honesty and guy just not that.

Q: Is that bad?
A: It is depends. The old school mentality person cannot handle your personality. You are not normal to them. You are plain weird. You are too western.

Q: But my friend is awesome and she has a boyfriend. I mean people actually like her, adore her. Comfortable with her. And I think, she just like me. I mean I am similar to her. Is there something wrong with me?
A: No. You just not find a guy whom likes you they way you are. She might probably find that person. A person who loves her dearly, but you are not yet.

Q: I love being pampered by someone I love. I tried play dumb in stuff like cars or like men-stuff. I am not act all mighty and strong but they still go away. Why?
A: Because somehow it does not reflect the real you and you lost your charm there. Maybe they sense that. They sense that you are lying.

*almost giving up

L: Yasmin, you are still young. Why so stress on this matter? Enjoy your life.
Y: Because there are only two options; to marry and not to marry. I decided to get married and I want to when I am 25, and get kids before 28. But 25-years-old-Yasmin is next year! And I still fail in love. *pfftt

L: I like being your friend. You are not typical. You speaks your mind. As a friend, I like you. *Friendzoned But I too don't really fancy a girl with strong personality. It takes greater strength to be with you.
Y: Even you? I understand that. I am just too difficult. I should just stick to the decision of not to get married and I won't feeling this hopeless.

. . .

Is people feel intimidated when they know the real me? I didn't give any harm to people. I just being me. Be a miss independent like Ne-yo said. Be a one-in-a-million girl but still got fool by people. If being honest and transparent in relationship (any kind of relationship) is weird and I guess I just not for this generation. The generation where lies and secrecy give thrilling sense and mystery is charming. I love being mysterious and it thrills me too but certainty gives assurance. And assurance strengthen the bond. I know this does not apply to everyone but I am just unlucky to go through this. So much to learn about life and I wish I can skip this and just disappear. Like bubble foam in the sea. Forgotten by people and everything. No strings attached. Just gone.




Tuesday, 2 May 2017

G-Day

Supposedly today I attend my graduation ceremony in University of Waikato, Hamilton in New Zealand. Wearing graduation robe and the hat with smile on my face. The most beautiful smile ever. Nervously waiting since last night for today, and I greet the morning with song and breakfast. What a gorgeous morning, I bet.

But no. I am not in New Zealand. I am not wearing any robe with hat. Im not greet the morning with breakfast. However I still wear my smile this morning. My hopeful fake smile. The smile that people always ask me to wear. The smile that everyone say will make my face look sweet. The smile that makes me approachable. That smile. I wear that. And I thought it helps me on hiding my thoughts well.

5 years of engineering. It goes back to when I was form 4. My addmath teacher told me about MRSM overseas programme and I decided straight away to go into that programme. I saw that opportunity to go out from Malaysia and have an experience that can't be taken or replaced by anything else. I worked on my english, taking advantage of my skillfull ex-boyfriend to improve my writing and speaking (while still loving him dearly), and aim for that programme.

One of the reasons I chose engineering was only that moment engineering will give me the chance to go overseas in a shortest time. A year in foundation and another in Unikl. 2 years and Im out. It was a great planning. I pushed myself to like physic although my true call is mathematic. Physic was disaster for me. Biology and chemistry were hell so nothing related to that. Few months of hard work, I applied for the programme.

My trial result wasn't so bad so I got interviewed. And again with the help of my dear ex, we did my interview essay and practiced on the session. I put a life motto in there just to show my charm and they did ask me about that which I successfully told them. So it didn't look like Im bluffing tho I was.  Who got time for life motto at the age of 17? Oh! I am! haha

After few weeks (maybe) I received later saying I got into the programme and will start foundation on January the next year. It was overwhelming. I was extremely happy. Nothing was happier than the thought of going out of Malaysia. My dream will finally come true.

Staying out on the sun, play on the beach on summer, go to concert and eat a lot of western food as much as I can were my bucket list. I did everything. The experience in New Zealand feels like a dream and I still feel the same. A dream.

Thank you to:

  • Ms Samiyah, Mr Sholikhin, Mr Farid, Mr Eizzat, Ms Syuhada
  • Mak, K Siti
  • Teacher Nazila, Teacher Wani
  • 5 Leeds classmates
  • Ms Elena, Ms Nadhrah
  • K Hanan, K Didi, K Naza, K Andi, K Ila, K Rina, K Susan, K Han, K Fid, K Shelly, K Fariza, K Jijah
  • Kakak Auckland
  • Zhong, Jeeraj, Wei Jei
  • Lombok, Fikri, Tun

5 years of engineering wasn't tough or was it? I am not regret of my decision to enjoy my university life. I decided that grade was only a measure of my academic performance but I am more than that. My ability and skills are way more than As' or Bs'. 

I met a lot of people. New Zealand turned me from someone who is timid to more outspoken, from a non-english speaker to well speaking english, from a kid to a girl and to a lady. I fall in love with New Zealand the moment I step out from the plane. Everything is beautiful. Everything is paradise. Everything is love. New Zealand make me dream other than just living overseas, it makes me dream of achieving more in life. 

New Zealand brought me to wonderful late night walks, meaningful stargazing, hiking dates, scrumptious eggs benedict with salmon, hype concerts, lovely weekend events, beautiful sunrise, sweet rain, cold wind, warm-hearted coffee, lengthy spontaneous conversations, emotional dreams, gorgeous clear water beaches and endless memories. I would marry New Zealand if it is a man. A man of dreams. A man of my dream. 

And with that I think, only New Zealand can heal me. 
. . .
This should be about graduation but I miss New Zealand too much. Alhamdulillah for 3 years of fantastic years. Keep strong Yasmin. You are not there yet! You have another two final things to achieve. Professional Engineer and Professional Engineer with Practicing Certificate. That is the ultimate of your engineering achievement. Believe in yourself. Have faith in Allah, the best Planner. 

You need to feel desperate, be desperate to achieve your goal so that you will work extra hours, walk extra miles and everything is for you. Refocus your life. Although your heart is on your sleeves, be extra of yourself. You can Yasmin. You always do. 

Thanks Yasmin.
I love you Yasmin.


Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Cerita Hati

Assalamualaikum.

Rasanya sudah sampai masa untuk aku meluahkan keresahan hati melalui tulisan panjang. Disini. Di mukasurat yang sentiasa menemani jalan kehidupan. Dari sebelumnya lagi, aku gemar berbicara sendiri, menyatakan isi hati dan berbincang tentang diri ini, disini. Dengan harapan setiap yang terluah adalah keterbukaan ku untuk menerima takdir dan melepaskan.

Takdir. Kehidupan. dan Percaya.

Perkara perkara yang sentiasa difikiran. Yang selalu disalah tafsirkan dan selalu dimarahkan.
Takdir itu dikecam hebat kerana setiap yang berlaku itu jarang mengikut pilihan hati. Itu takdir. Bukan mengikut apa yang dirancang. Dan merasakan perkara ini berulang kali adalah satu penyeksaan hati. Menolak takdir itu, memarahi tuhan. Marah dengan keadaan diri. Marah dengan setiap pilihan dan keputusan yang telah dibuat. Tiada yang boleh diputar kembali kerna masa iu hanya milik tuhan yang Maha satu. Sepatutnya, hamba ini mengunakan ia sebaiknya dan sepenuhnya. Percaya dengan takdir itu seperti memakan muntah, menghidu tahi, berjalan dia atas bara dan masih gagah meneruskan ke hadapan. Ini kata kata dari diri yang merasakan ketidak adilan takdir, bukan dari sudut neutral. Tiada yang neutral lagi setelah merasakan ini dan itu. Kepercayaan terhadap takdir itu semakin menipis. Percaya bahawa takdir lah yang terbaik. 
" Setiap bencana yang menimpa di bumi dan yang menimpa dirimu sendiri, semuanya telah tertulis dalam kitab (Lauh Mahfuz) seelum kami mewujudkannya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian itu mudah bagi Allah." (57:22)

Tapi, tertulis sudah dalam kitab Al-Karim tentang semuanya. Apa lagi yang boleh diperkatakan selain membetulkan? dan percaya? Berikan aku pandangan mu, buah fikiran mu. Untuk mencapai kepercayaan yang satu itu bukanlah perkara yang mudah. Percaya dan kembali tidak percaya. Bergantung dengan keadaan. Ini sangat menjelaskan betapa lemahnya iman ini. Kerana berani berani menyoal tentang perkara yang sudah tertulis, terancang dengan hemat dan kefahaman yang sepenuhnya tentang setiap satu kejadian hanya kerana ia tidak sama dengan apa yang dirancang sendiri. Susah. Payah. Mencabar.
" Dan tidak ada sesuatu pun melainkan disisi Kamilah khazanahnya, dan Kami tidak menurunkannya melainkan dengan kadar yang tertentu." (15:21)

"...melainkan dengan kadar yang tertentu." Ada masa dan ketika untuk hamba ini menerima nikmat nikmat yang tak terkira banyaknya dari tuhan itu. Dan setiap satunya turun dengan kadar yg ditentukan. Itulah orang kata, perkara perkara yang ghaib ini hanyalah dalam pengetahuan Allah dan bukanlah hemat hambaNya untuk memegang sedemikian penting pengetahuan. Belajar menerima ini sememangnya sukar, dan tidak terkira oleh hati ini berapa kali dirobek tajam dengan lidah manusia yang mengalunkan bait indah dunia hanya untuk menjadi yang sementara. Berikan kawan atau kekasih.

Terima. Syukur.

Yakin hati ini, masih aku belum belajar erti menerima dengan sepenuh penerimaan dan bersyukur dengan tiap tiap sesuatu. Mereka kata ini proses untuk menjadi dewasa. dan dewasa bukanlah diukur dengan angka. Mungkin jika lebih bertenang dan berfikir itu adalah ukuran seorang dewasa. Aku tidak pasti. Yang pasti menerima sesuatu itu masih satu kepayahan dan aku masih menyoal perkara perkara itu dan ini. Pastinya, aku perlu sedia menerima apa juga yang bakal berlaku dengan perasaan bersyukur kerna tuhan masih mengambil berat tentang diri hamba ini. Hamba yang banyak marah dari berfikir, lebih banyak menyoal dari menerima, lebih banyak menghukum dari bertenang.

aku bermohon dengan tulisan ini, adalah kesedian aku untuk menerima dan melepaskan. Bukanlah hanya omongan kosong. Dan tulisan ini adalah sebagai peringatan, yang disukai tidak semestinya yang terbaik dan yang terbaik pasti memberi kebahagian.

Terlalu banyak kemungkinan yang terlintas;
mungkin aku ini masih kebudak budakan
mungkin aku ini tidak seperti yang difikirkan
mungkin aku ini terlalu susah untuk difahami
mungkin aku ini tidak sekufu
mungkin aku ini bukanlah yang terbaik
mungkin aku ini hanya berperasaan sendirian
mungkin aku ini bukanlah siapa siapa
. . .
hanya mengharap pada sesuatu yang tidak abadi dan menyakiti diri sendiri

Memaafkan mereka dan diri sendiri tidak pernah mudah. Pedih hati ini selalu dirasakan setiap kali aku terlihat kau. Aku sebenarnya keliru sama ada yang dirasakan itu adalah sakit atau hanya satu kerinduan. Tapi maafkan aku jika hadirnya diri ini tidak pernah membahagiakan dan hanya mengelirukan. Hanya menambahkan kekusutan di kehidupan kau. Maaf kerana tidak pernah memahami; sesungguhnya aku masih belajar untuk memahami. Maaf pengharapan aku terlalu tinggi untuk kita yang tidak pasti.

Maaf.

yfis